Clara and I saw Blind Side last night. It was a super duper movie. Like – really good. I recommend it.

Speaking of recommendations…this $1 nail polish I bought at Payless Shoes really is staying on my nails! I think tomorrow will be one week and there are zero (yes you read that right) chips in this nail polish. Granted….the color on the tips of my nails was wearing off. But JUST on the very tips. And my nails were too long anyway so I filed them a little and you can’t tell at all.

Another disclosure: I actually don’t know if it’s the nail polish or the top coat I put on, but my nails seem…like the scratch easily? I mean as in it’s easy to scratch the nail. Like the polish isn’t hard. Does that make sense? I know, not really, because it hasn’t chipped or anything, but that’s the only way I can think to describe it. I’m inclined to think it’s the topcoat, but then again, the topcoat is OPI and it was like a million dollars. So I really don’t know.

Anyway.

Something I do NOT recommend is to think that your baby son is perfect and that he will never mess up. Don’t get me wrong, he’s NEAR perfect. I mean it. But…I think we are having some defiance issues for the first time in his little bitty life.

The other day, he was eating a PB&J (just for funsies, let me throw in that he calls Pedialyte PB&Lyte), and the dog took his sandwich and ate it! He came in cuh-rying and his daddy said he’d make him a new one. Meanwhile, James got the notion that he wanted some sorbet. He begged for some and we told him that he could not have some now, but that he could have some later IF he stopped whining about it.

So Scott finished the sandwich and handed it to James, who promptly went to the garbage and THREW.IT.IN. “I told you, I didn’t want a sandwich! I want sorbet!!!”

Scott looked at me and growled, “you better handle this.” He was absolutely livid and he knew it was a better idea to let me handle it. LOL.

Anyhoo, James’s teacher told us the next day that she’s been having problems with his defiance. And I promise you, that is just not the James we know and love. I’m hoping we get past this REALLY quickly.

Clara’s dorky as ever. When I picked her up from school yesterday, she had three stick-on reinforcements on her face. I asked her why. She answered “because I put them there.” LOL. Well, no doy. So I let her keep them on all afternoon and silently hoped that she would forget they were there and wear them to the movie. :) But alas, she ain’t no dummy, and she remembered.

A little Jamesy

Y’all. Since Monday, my son has let me sleep through the night, with only one short hiccup. You don’t know how huge of a deal this is. He has gotten up several times in the middle of the night since he was about 18 months old. I’m sure you’ve all heard me mention this a time or two. Anyway, it was KILLING Scott and me. It was just pure hell if you want to know the truth.

I’d FINALLY gotten to the point where, short of physically harming the child, I would have done a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g to sleep through the night. I decided that over the Thanksgiving weekend I would emulate Supernanny and just keep putting him back in bed, while ignoring him and saying nothing to him. Oh, it was horrible. The first night we were up for about an hour and a half. Scott had been up with James the night before so I told him to go to Clara’s room and get some sleep. James and I went over and over and over the same thing….

Mom! I am so lonely!
James! GETTOBEDNOW. ITSTIMEFORSLEEP.
Mom! Can I get my sheet off your floor (he’d brought it into my room in an attempt to sleep on a pallet)?
No! It’s too late to be making beds. It’s time for sleep. Go.
And so on and so forth.

And while it was only an hour and a half, it felt like eternity. He was back and forth, up and down, crying, wailing, trying everything to get me to break. Finally he came in, tears running down his face, voice hoarse, and eyes and lips swollen, and he howled, “I am PATHETICALLY BEGGING YOU. Can I please have my sheet?” LOL! Pathetically begging? Why yes, son, you are pathetic.

I had a very hard time not laughing at that one, but instead I sad (rather loudly to stifle my giggles) “FINE. TAKE YOUR SHEET AND GO TO BED.”

I didn’t hear from him again and assumed that had taken care of it. I woke the next morning and went to check on him. His bed was empty. Looked in Clara’s room. Yup. He’d crawled into bed with Scott. All of it was for nothing. He’d ended up getting his way anyway.

The next night I decided to do more of the same. I’d grounded him for deliberately disobeying me (I’d told him specifically not to get in bed with his dad). I didn’t last nearly as long this time. James had come in for the millionth time, this time for a kiss. We told him we’d already done that, and now it was time for bed. I told him if he was going to cry, he needed to do it with the door shut. So for literally 15 minutes straight, we listened to James moan, “but I DESERVE a hug and a kiss! But I DESERVE a hug and a kiss!” over and over and over and over. I finally shot out of bed, grabbed the bathroom trashcan, went in his room, opened one of his toy drawers and started putting toys in the trash. Each time he made any peep I put another toy in the trash. Just kept doing it over and over. Finally he realized the cause and effect and shut off the noise. Never heard another sound out of him that night. And other than a couple VERY small blips, we’ve been able to sleep all night. I felt TERRIBLE throwing away his toys but dude, it was so worth it.
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Speaking of my son, did you know he is a nerd? I took him to buy some new clothes. Being the cheapskate that I am, we went to the children’s resale shop. I told him to pick out some pants. Some cool pants. I held up this cool pair of tan cargo pants that were adorable. He wrinkled his nose and said, “naaaaah. I like these.” And proudly displayed the goobiest pair of black corduroy, PLEATED front pants. “THESE are cool pants, Mom.” I tried to talk him out of the pants for five minutes before I gave up. Oh well. He makes those pants look GOOD.
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As I was leaving for work, James said, “I wish we had all the money we need so you didn’t have to go to work.” And that, my friends, is exactly the kind of thing that allows me to deal with just about anything the boy hands out.

My Aunt Karen and her Boobs

I started this post on Oct. 30 and never finished it, and never published it. So here it is...why not?

I love my family.

My immediate family, my extended family, the family I see all the time and the family I don’t see enough. I have a fabulous family. My sisters and I are best friends. We’re all close to our mother. Our dad is adorable. My nephew is insanely cute and brilliant, and my son and daughter are as near to perfection as you can get. We spend a lot of time together, and have dinner together nearly every single Sunday. I can’t imagine life without them!

Last weekend, I went to visit another family member of mine. My Aunt Karen! Aunt Karen has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer. She was having surgery, and I rode with my mom for the five or so hour drive to Odessa, where Karen lives. Waiting for us there were Aunt Karen, Uncle Jerry, my cousin Amy and my cousin Jerilyn.

Jerilyn and I spent hours talking the first night I was there. We stayed up way too late and drank way too much wine. At least I drank way too much wine. I have no idea where Jerilyn was on that – I was just trying to stay focused on our conversations. We hadn’t sat down and talked for probably years and years. The last time I saw her was at her wedding, so of course we didn’t have much one on one time at that point, and before that, I honestly don’t remember the last time I saw her off the top of my head. OK I’m lying because she came to town summer of 2008 for a pool party. I think that was the date. Either way…please don’t jump on my case. It’s been a long time since Jerilyn and I actually hung out HUNG OUT. That’s my point.

Anyway, like I told her, it was as if we’d just pushed a virtual pause button on ourselves, and the second we saw each other and started talking, it was as if we’d only seen each other the day before. It was wonderful and we had a great time. The next morning came very early. Uncle Jerry had taken Karen to the hospital at some ungodly hour, and Mom, Jerilyn and I were up before 7. We headed to the hospital by 8am and remained there for a good part of the day. Aunt Karen’s surgery was delayed some because of an emergency, but we spent our time leading up to the surgery taking turns being with her, in pairs as the hospital only allowed two visitors at a time.

Finally, Karen was wheeled back and we spent some pretty tense time in the waiting room. Jerilyn honed her Diner Dash skills, I surfed the ‘net, Uncle Jerry furiously chewed Nicorette, Jason read magazines in the corner, Amy played on her iPhone, and Mom even began to try her hand at Diner Dash.

When the surgeon finally came to tell us that everything went well, Uncle Jerry’s eyes welled with tears immediately. He announced that he thought he might cry, and as furiously as he was chomping his Nicorette before the good news, you should have seen him concentrating on that stuff, just trying to keep himself together. It was BEAUTIFUL, it really was.

Once we found out that everything went as well as we could have hoped, Amy headed to get prescriptions filled, Mom and I headed to Target for various supplies, and Jerry and Jerilyn stayed with Karen until she was released.

I think we all kind of enjoyed taking care of Aunt Karen. She’s usually the one taking care of us. Cooking or cleaning or buying gifts or whatever. But this time – we cleaned, we cooked, we ran errands. The person who touched me the most was Uncle Jerry. He doted on Aunt Karen like I’ve never seen. He hovered constantly. There was a steady stream of conversations such as:

Karen: Thank you for my (2nd) breakfast, it looks delicious.
Jerry: You’re welcome. Do you want some more toast? Or bacon? There’s more!
Karen: No thanks, I don’t know that I can finish what’s on my plate.
Jerry: OK. ***Then walks over with a piece of bacon and piece of toast and drops it on Karen’s plate***
Karen: Thanks, honey.
Jerry: You’re welcome. Hey, I’ve put on another pot of coffee and when it’s ready, I’ll get you a slice of that cheesecake with some fresh coffee.
Karen: Well, maybe later. I am just really….full right now.

Too cute!

My Aunt Karen's going to make it through this. That's not just positive thinking, that is a fact. She's got a pain-in-the-you-know-what (the boobie, of course) road ahead of her, but she's going to be fine. Even better than before. Know why? Because her husband is never going to NOT appreciate her ever again. Because I adore my cousin Amy and we text silly stuff back and forth. Because she has an entire army of family who will be at her beck and call and there for anything she needs. Because I reconnected with my cousin Jerilyn and got to see that as adults, we have as much in common as we did when we were children and super close. All these, and other things. I told her I was so sorry she had to be the one to deal with this BS, but that I couldn't ever have imagined all the good that would come out of it.

I love you Aunt Karen! We all love you so much!

WASTED DRUNK SOBER TIPSY

Because of our crazy schedules, our family rarely eats dinner together. Usually, James eats in front of the living room tv, Clara eats in front of the tv in her room, and I pick at James's I try to get him to eat. I know - so dysfunctional, but it works for us. Then, Scott gets home around 9pm (most nights) and we eat dinner together. So...not only do I pick at James's, I eat my meal at 9pm. But that is another story.

I decided that since Scott gets home at a little after 7pm on Wednesdays, we should sit and have dinner together. I had made chili mac in the crockpot, and I set the DINING ROOM (not kitchen!) table with napkins (paper), plates with bowls on them (fancy!) and covered the lazy susan (is that capitalized??) with such goodies as sour cream, freshly grated cheese, sea salt, bread (white and wheat) and butter. Only thing missing were the beverages. I hated to put cold beverages on the gorgeous dark wood table, so I went on a hunt for coasters.

The only coasters I could find were the novelty coasters that someone had given to me (I'm so sorry that I've forgotten who!) along with some shot glasses. Well, they would just have to do.

So, when Scott got home that night, I had country music playing, NO TV, and our family was sitting waiting at the table for him. And most importantly, we all had coasters.

Each coaster has a different term and its definition. Mine said "WASTED: Adg. Invincible but incapable. Suffering from extreme loss of balance, co-ordination and sex appeal. Liable to sleep anywhere. Babbling incoherently with loss of most bodily functions." Perfect!

Scott's said: "DRUNK: Adj. Suffering from vision, hearing and speech impairment, witn an insatiable appetite for pizza. Will do anything that moves. Possessing an illogical belief that he/she is gorgeous despite dribbling and slobbering." Beautiful!

James's said "SOBER: Adj. Possessed of iron will but often lacking a sense of humor. Helpful with doing dishes, finding cds, and lifts home. Probably in need of several stiff drinks!" How appropriate!

And finally, Clara's said "TIPSY: Adj. The usual signs are a flushed face, stupid grin, loud voice and a profound love for mankind. The sufferer is incredibly deep, intelligent, and insightful but prone to giggle." That's my girl!

Apparently, no matter how classy and grown-up I always try to be, there's always something I miss. I'm just glad that James can't read and that Clara is a mostly self-absorbed pre-teen who doesn't notice anything if it doesn't have to do with her.

Can I just say that I am SUPERSAD that I haven't blogged since September? Yes? Well, I am SUPERSAD that I haven't blogged since September.

IIDSSM

Yesterday I took Clara to get her nails done. We went to a spa we’d never been to before, but it was the same ol’ story. The ladies were trying to talk Clara into the 40 dollar pedicure, PLUS the $2 each flowers on her big toes, PLUS the diamond like crystals for $2 each. Of course, Clara was not paying for the services so she was A-OK with getting the whole shebang. I slowed that roll and told Clara she could choose ONE toe to have a flower painted on but NO CRYSTALS. I mean come on! $2 each!

Anyway, Clara reluctantly made her decision and I left her to wander the spa and look at what other services were offered. Little did I know, I never should have left her side. What seemed like an instant after I began my tour, she appeared beside me with the woman who did her pedicure. She handed me a handwritten bill and the total was $104. $104??? What? Why!? I don’t understand! I kind of screamed as much.

The woman was quick to explain that Clara had opted for a teeth whitening procedure and she assured me that Clara had the cleanest, whitest teeth in town. My first thought was, “they talked my 11-year-old into this and performed it without asking me?!!!” and my second thought was “what about her braces?” Well my question was answered when Clara grinned at me. HER BRACES WERE GONE. She just smiled with almost-straight teeth and I blew up.

“THEY TOOK YOUR BRACES OFF???” I hollered. “No,” she said, “I took them off myself.”

Well, a big fight ensued, I ended up chasing the spa employees all over the place, I looked for my dad so he could help me, found out I was pregnant, and received a text message from Scott with a picture of a topless Denise Richards and a note attached saying “this reminds me of you…”

At least, that’s what happened in my dream.

As for what REALLY happened yesterday and the rest of the weekend, it was mostly home improvement for me. James spent the night with Mimi, and I painted the office. Then Scott and I went to see Inglorious Basterds. Not my cup of tea. Then again, most Tarantino movies are not my cup (cups??) of tea.

Anyway I woke up Saturday (James, Scott and I all slept in our bed and didn’t wake up till 11:30!!) and decided to get going on building the doors for the shelves in the office, and called Dad for help. He ended up staying with me pretty much all day Saturday building doors with me. It really was fun. We were back and forth to Lowe’s, we were back and forth inside and outside the house, sawing, drilling, cutting, measuring for hours and hours. One of the doors is slightly too small because apparently I don’t know the difference between eighths and sixteenths. Good thing 3/16 of an inch is pretty dang small or we’d have quite a problem. Oh well. It still looks pretty dang good IIDSSM (If I Do Say So Myself). Anyway, Dad and Scott and Looney were supposed to have gone hunting that day, but I sorta hijacked Dad all day long and they had to go the next day.

Sunday was more home improvement, painting the doors, spraypainting the doorknobs and hardware, all that fun stuff. I also installed a latch on Clara’s door to keep the dog out but yannow what? It didn’t work. The way the doors open (inward to the room) made it so that you could open them even with the latch closed. So I gotta think of something else. :(

Well this blog entry’s more than a little boring, I guess. I barely saw James all weekend, and I didn’t see Clara at all. Well, except when we were at the spa.

A day late and a dollar short

Yesterday was a good day. I left work at noon, as per yoozh, came home and fed the boy, and then we were off. We first went to the shoe store because there were NO SHOES IN THE HOUSE THAT JAMES COULD WEAR. Sure, we *own* one pair of tennierunners that he can fit into but they were nowhere in sight. Any other shoe in the closet either didn’t fit or didn’t have a mate.

So, anyway, first stop: Famous Footwear. James has been begging for light-up Sketchers for months. We went straight to the Sketchers section and he immediately zeroed in on a black pair with green (GREEN, YAY!) lightning strikes on them. They really are awesome. I mean really. They had better be. I seriously think they cost more than any one pair of shoes I own. But you know how it is. If you buy your kids everything they want, then they will be nice to you. So I do what I gotta do.

We ran a few more errands and then picked up Clara from school. Got her home and hung out for a little while, and then James and I headed to the karate school. He’s so flippin cute in his black uniform and gold belt. He was the littlest person in his class and also the lowest belt (I think). But he held his own! He even got up in front of the class a couple times for demonstrations. I definitely laughed outloud during warmup time. Scott had the kids jump high as they could, and when James jumped, he kind of…well I don’t know how to explain it besides say that he shot his feet toward the back and landed completely horizontally on his belly. He’s his momma’s boy!

Speaking of Momma and her clumsiness, I wish someone could have seen the save I made with my cell phone a couple days ago. I was holding my phone and taking a necklace (it was long so I didn’t have to unclasp it – just pull it over my head) off while walking in the entry way. Well, my phone slipped and started to fall to the ground (AGAIN!!!! MY POOR PHONE). So being the graceful swan I am, I twisted around and bent over so my upper body was parallel to the floor. And I CAUGHT that sucker on my back. YesIDid! I stayed that way for a few moments, relishing the job I’d accomplished. And I couldn’t wait to blog about it.

T and P (Thoughts and Prayers)

I have a lot to do today. One thing on my list is to buy a latch for Clara’s French doors. Why? I’ll tell you! The dog is able to shove herself into them with enough force that her fat butt can burst them open. Then she enters Clara’s room and helps herself to anything that might be within her reach. We’ve seen pencils, tissues, stickers, candy, gum, etc. all chewed up because Beck “felt like it.” That’s what she says anyway. Who knows with her? I’ve been talking a lot about finding a solution to keep Clara’s doors shut when Beck barrels into them, but yesterday I had had enough. That dog got into Clara’s room and found a duct-tape-wallet (??????????????????) with a $50 bill, a $20 and five $1 dollar bills. And she tore up the wallet and ripped up all the money! $75 of Clara’s hard earned money that she mostly has because I birthed her and somehow manage to get her to her birthdays year after year. Still, I wasn’t going to make Clara pay for what my dumb dog did, so I was going to pay her back. Fortch, all the pieces were still intact, so I was able to tape all the money back together. But it was definitely enough to light a fire under me and get the ball rolling on fixing her door (do you think I could have squeezed in one more cliché?).

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You should have heard me trying to explain the concept of “infinity” to James yesterday. Here’s how our conversation went:

Setting: in the car waiting for Clara to get out of school

James: Mom? I thought I could count to the highest number, but I can’t. 100 is NOT the highest number.

Me: Nope, it sure isn’t!

James: Well, what IS the highest number?

Me: Welllllll, there is no highest number. You can just keep counting and counting forever. That’s what infinity is.

James: So…the highest number is infinity? OK, I’m going to count to it. 1, 2, 3…

Me: No, you CAN’T count to infinity, it never ends. See, like infinity…and then infinity plus one! Infinity is not a number.

James: Well then is it a letter?

Me: NO! It’s a concept.

James: What’s a concept?

Me: I don’t know. Just count.

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I hope my daughter doesn’t kill me for this, but I have to write about a card she made for her friend. No, scratch that. Let’s keep this anonymous. Let’s just say that someone I know made a birthday card for his or her friend. This person asked me to read the card and give my opinion on whether said person’s friend would like the card or not. Now, I don’t have this memorized verbatim, but it’s going to be very darn close.

Dear Friend,

Happy birthday! We’ve been friends since first grade, and these have been the best years of my life. I know we fight sometimes, but we’re so close, nothing will ever tear us apart. Happy birthday.

Love,
Anon

How flippin’ cute, sweet, and hilarious is that? The “best years of my life”???? “Never tear us apart”??? Priceless!

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I don’t want to alarm anyone but there is something that must be really making the rounds. It’s called, according to James, the Walk Flu. It’s apparently very dangerous, as it renders its victims incapable of walking. People who suffer from Walk Flu are unable to clean their rooms, take their dirty cups to the kitchen sink, or walk at all. They must be carted around by their parents. Caretakers of patients with Walk Flu must be patient. If they find themselves losing patience and trying to force the unwell person to stand, they will find that the Walk Flu causes its sufferers to slump to the floor and become helpless lumps of nothingness. I sure hope for my sake and James’s, that he recovers quickly from Walk Flu. He became overcome with the symptoms yesterday afternoon, and according to his dad, he is still afflicted as of this morning. Please keep us in your thoughts as we battle this terrifying disease.

I painted it black.

Well, the front door looks great! I’ve been wanting to paint it black for a long time, and couldn’t really get Scott on board. Once the varnish/stain at the bottom of the door started peeling from being in direct sunlight all the time, he figured it couldn’t look any worse if I painted it.
So yesterday I did, and it looks fabulous, if you want the honest truth, and I assume you do.

Stacie and I are almost finished with all our personal training sessions. And neither of us has lost any weight to speak of. I mean a little. But not much – not as much as we should have with as hard as we have been working out. HOWEVER. She and I are jogging. I don’t mean spurts of jogging and then walking, I mean, I RAN FOUR MILES AND SHE RAN THREE one day last week. For the week, I was at 9 miles! I haven’t done that in years, and while of course, I do want to lose weight, me being able to do this kind of physical activity means as much to me as being at a healthy weight. Seriously. AS MUCH. Also I figure if I keep it up and get to where I can run more and more, that will help with weight loss as well as motivation for eating better. Maybe. We’ll see.

Oh my James. While I am unable to fill you in on everything funny he’s said lately, I will do my best to highlight some of his greatest moments for the last, um, what, month? Yes I am terrible at blogging. Anyway.

James spent some time with Aunt Cindee a few weeks ago and when he was instructed to put down his puppets and clean up, he balked. “I told you I was going to play puppets six more times, Aunt Cindee!” Aunt Cindee informed him that I was on my way to come get him, and that he wouldn’t actually be playing puppets six more times as planned, and that he needed to clean up now. Not sure where the hostility and/or name calling came from, but James replied, “YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME, DOG.” Quickly, he learned that was not the case.

Recently, we played musical beds, as Scott and I bought a bigger bed for ourselves, gave ours to Clara, gave hers to James, and gave his to Andrew. After moving Clara’s bed to James’s room all by myself (no small feat – it is a captains bed with lots of parts AND scott was out drinking at the bar [good for him]), I realized just how much stuff Clara had crammed under her bed. I literally got a broom and started sweeping the piles of junk to one side. Yes, literally! Exasperated, I hollered at James, “Jamesy! Come help me get some of this crap out of here!” He came in, bent down and picked up a gum wrapper and handed it to me. “Here’s some crap.” I guess I should have seen that coming.

OK, here’s a little mushy-gushy for you. Scott and I were IMing while I was at work and I said to him, "you dont love me," to which he replied "yes i do." So i said "prove it" and he asked "how?" I said "come to my work and kiss me." He immediately he disappeared from my IM list and 5 minutes later he walked in my office and KISSED ME.

Clara’s officially in sixth grade. She’s in, as I may have mentioned before, ALL ADVANCED PLACEMENT classes. All of them. Unreal! I honestly don’t know how it will go, but so far, so good. Week Two is pretty smooth sailing so far.

Clara had her first real babysitting job two weekends ago. She got PAID I am telling you. She sat for Courtney’s boys, one of whom loved her the entire time and decided she was the pits about 10 minutes before Courtney came home because Clara refused him a second oatmeal pie. Courtney came home right in the throes of Lane’s wailing and poor Clara felt TERRIBLE. Courtney assured us that she did the right thing and that Lane was not supposed to have another oatmeal pie. Then she paid Clara big bucks and we all felt better about the sitch. Except Lane, I guess. Poor Lane.

So I have two goals this week. One: I am going to start painting and getting the office together. I am going to have an office! I mean WE. WE are going to have an office. Right now it is floor to ceiling pepto pink and we are doing a darkish gray. It’s going to be the bizzomb. Two: I am going to blog more. I have so many things I want to remember and while I love to make my audience laugh till they pee, I mostly do this so I can look back and remember the good ol’ days, and so that my kids can see that I truly did love them and think they were the bees knees when they were kids. OK, bye!

ping!

What fun we’ve had this summer!

I am so glad Mom and Dad have a pool. I am so glad I like Mom and Dad! We spend so much time over there. We probably head over there to swim 4-5 days a week, at least, and I go over there just to hang with the ‘rents just as much.

Of course, Clara is her normal, fishy self that she’s always been, but we’ve seen more handstands and “George Washington” hairdos in the pool than past summers. We had to buy her a juniors’ size bathing suit because she’s, well, she’s that big now. But they don’t really make junior size suits appropriate for 11-year olds, so this thing she got is like, cut down to her belly button. Sigh. I guess this is the beginning!

Clara’s at sleepaway soccer camp right now, but she comes home today. I’m sure she’s dreading it. She’s still right in the middle of being grounded and earning money to pay me back for her cell phone being taken away at school. I had to front $15 to get it back, and she has paid me back $3 so far. Ha ha!

James and Andrew are growing up so cute together. The ten-month gap between their ages is closing, but it still makes a difference at times. Andrew has a hard time with his Rs and Ls, and James just won’t have it. The other day, James was peeing in the flowerbed at Mom’s and Dad’s in his yoozh spot, and upon completion of said task, he came back to LOL and tell us (Stacie and me) that he had peed on the lady’s bra (Dad has a marble naked lady statue and Mom crocheted a camouflage bikini top for the poor girl to wear. She already came equipped with a sarong type dealy). Anyway, Andrew heard James say bra, and he giggled and said “BWA!?” and James said, “BRRRA.” This went back and forth for quite some time, Andrew insisting that he was in fact saying “bra” and James getting angrier by the second because he WAS NOT saying “bra.”
BWA!
BRA!
BWA!
BRA!
And so on and so forth. Once Stacie and I were able to breathe (we were laughing really freaking hard at the little bitty boys shouting that word at one another), I gently reminded James that Andrew is a little younger than he is, and it might hurt his feelings if James points out that he can’t say something correctly.

Another thing that I’ve seen a difference in only lately is James’s new modesty. Andrew is still free as a bird and has no problem changing into his swimsuit in front of anyone, but if you happen to see James while he’s changing, ya better not mention it. Just pretend you never saw it. Anyway, Andrew doesn’t care, and James thinks it’s HI-LARIOUS when Andrew is naked. And Andrew thinks it’s HI-LARIOUS when James thinks it’s HI-LARIOUS. So anytime Andrew has his pants down, he calls for James. “Jaaaaames! Wook at me! Wook!” And James will squeal with laughter. Then they just stand there and crack up at one another, Andrew with his pants down around his ankles and James doubled over while pointing at Andrew’s priveys.

Well they took it pretty far the other day. Andrew peed in the yoozh flowerbed spot and turned around. “Juji! Wook at me! Wook!” and James laughed and tiptoed over to Andrew while saying “PEENY, PEENY, PEENY!” When he finally made it close enough to Andrew to touch him, he lightly flicked him on his poor little penis with his forefinger and daintily said, “ping!”

HAHAHAHA! Inappropriate, uncontrollable laughter from both mothers. We had to explain that that is a PRIVATE part and you don’t touch other people’s privates. Sigh. You know, after we regained control over our bad-parenting selves.

One more James thing: not only is he just about ready to swim completely, all the time without any floaties (I make him wear them every now and then so I don’t have to watch so hard – is that bad?) he can now dive down by himself (!!!) and get rings from the bottom of the pool. Amazing!

She slapped your hiney!

Tomorrow is Day 2 with D tha T (Dana tha Traina) and I sure hope I can move. She really kicked my butt Tuesday. James overheard me tell Clara that very thing and he admonished me about my choice of words. “Don’t say that! That is a bad word!”

“Well, what should I say then?”

“Say that she SLAPPED your hiney.”

LOL. Dana slapping my hiney gives a completely different picture than Dana tha Traina kicking my butt. Am I right folks? Or am I right?

I took the kids swimming again yesterday. I don’t know how they do it. I don’t even think it was 90 degrees out yesterday, and I’m sure the pool was somewhere in the 70s. NUTZO! But, they love it. So I let ‘em.

James had four shots at his doctor appointment yesterday. Poooooor kid. I remember once when he got multiple immunizations, there were two nurses there to give them at the same time so he’d get pokes all over his body at the same time, but yesterday, it was dragged out. The first was in his left arm, then his right, followed by each leg. He SCUH-REEEEEEEMED so loud. Every time. I felt terrible for the poor kid. That’s why I took him to Target and gave him $10 for every shot he had to get. I know, I am a sucker. But it really was terrible. Anyway he chose this (actually really cool) pretend chainsaw, a Terminator glove and a Transformer. All set!

I honestly don’t remember a period of time where my entire family was so sick so often. Right now, at least three of us have horrible coughs and sore throats, and before that, James had his 1st ear infection, and before THAT we all had some kind of stomach bug or something. James and Scott had it the worst, and I sent Scott to get some crackers and Pedialyte. Later on James told me that he knew how to get better. He just has to drink alllll the PB&J. “EW!” I said. “You don’t drink PB&J to get over a tummy ache!”

“Yes you do, that orange stuff!?” he said.

“Ohhhhhhhhh PEDIALYTE.”

“Yeah. PB&Lyte.”

Ha ha! Whatevs.

Stay tuned for a description of the best Mothers’ Day ever! I know I am late. Sue me.

Well, I've done it. I've gone over a month without a new post. You can bet your bottom dollar that my email inbox is FULL of notes to myself about the things the kids have been doing and I just do not have the energy to go through them all this minute. So I'm just going to let it flow and see where it takes me.

I am sure I have lost all of my readers. I'm sure the three of them have completely given up on me. I hope I can win them back.

James has been cracking my you-know-what up with his vocabulary. He's really testing the waters with new words, but he doesn't always use them quite right. Last night at dinner, he announced, "ohhhh yeah. Smells like a payday." He also told me "I'll admit, I think she's going to say 'no'" when I was dialing the phone to prove to him that my mother was going to tell me that I was wrong - that swimming in a pool will NOT turn your hair green if you don't wash your hair. Not only did he use "admit" incorrectly, he is absolutely wrong about the green hair thing. Just ask Clara. One thing he seems to have nailed is the use of adverbs. Luckily, quickly, you name it, he's got it.

James has learned a new trick. I can't remember where he learned it, but he was told that if he sings while he does any given chore, the chore goes by faster. Ahem - more quickly, I should say. So when I tell him to clean his room, he sings a random tune with the random words that are very close to: bee boo be doo pop bop boody bo peedoe. Whatever works, right?

Clara and I went to go see my boyfriend at the movie yesterday. Yes, that's right, Zac Efron. We had a great time and I think Clara gets a kick out of her old, dumb mom thinking that young thing is cute. Well, he is.

Clara's 5th grade year is nearly over and I just cannot believe it. Each year flies by more quickly than the last. It's unbelievable. She will be in SIXTH GRADE. That is old, people. She has made such great grades this year, all As and Bs, of course, but she also ACED her TAKS tests. She made an A on the reading part and an A on the math part. I don't know if you know, but that's kind of a big deal. SHE'S kind of a big deal. :)

James got his first trophy for soccer this past Sunday. It took us 11 weeks to do a 5 week season. The weather has just kicked our soccer butts. This last game, James's heart wasn't in it. But I so didn't care. He just might not be a soccer dude...or maybe he's just four and it made more sense for him to stop running every 10 seconds and stand frozen like a statue and announce to anyone who would listen (in a robotic voice, mind you) "I-AM-JUST-STOPPING-TO-REFUEL."

I'm tellin ya. He is truly a dork. A dorkified dork.

Stacie and I are starting with our (shared) personal trainer tomorrow. I mean, traina. Because her name is Dana. Which means she must be Dana, the Traina. Can't wait to see how that goes. I'm a lil nervous. But a lot excited.

Surely that will give me fodder. Blog fodder. Blodder. LOL. Mark down that on this date, May 18, 2009, the word "Blodder" has been coined. Use it, but please give credit where credit is due.

Love and kisses,
Shannipants

***************************
Okay after I published this post, I googled "blodder" just in case and what do you know.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=blodder

1.
blodder
A news article which lends itself to blog commentary. A short form of "blog fodder".

CAN YOU FREAKING BELIEVE THAT?

Yesterday was so fun! The day started normally, with me DRAGGING myself out of bed, getting ready for work, and having a delicious breakfast at my desk, consisting of turkey lunch meat, horseradish mustard, and coffee.

****************************************************
I started the above journal entry so long ago that I can’t even remember where I was going with it. I am such a bad blogger. I have mentioned before that I frequently email or text myself little blurbs so I will remember what I want to blog about, and then after 12 days, like it’s been since the last entry, all I have to work with are things like this:
james and his "pointing down" superman underwear

MOMMY CLARA'S REALLY SWEET
The lady at walmart saying clara is sweet
the kids and i playing hide and seek
clara and her frappuccinos
shoes that breathe so i dont have to
hi ming ming i am your biggest fan!!!!

That is just a small portion of what I have emailed myself. And while I do want to document all of it, I am just not sure HOW. How do I tie together Clara and her frappuccinos and shoes that breathe so I don’t have to? Well the only way I know how is to just jump in and start typing. This won’t be the most flowy entry I’ve written, but it will definitely be informative.

The lady at Walmart saying Clara is sweet. We had to go to Walmart to get some supplies for Clara’s school project. We, I mean SHE, had to build a diorama of a pond. While we were checking out, the kids asked if they could have some gum. I asked Clara to help James reach the gum he wanted and she, of course, obliged. The cashier noticed and asked if they were siblings. When I told her they were, she replied that she’d never seen a big sister treat her little siblings that sweetly before. She’s such a good big sister. She’s so patient and kind to him. He is such a lucky little boy. We had so much fun that day. We spent all afternoon together in the kitchen, the kids and me. We made Clara’s project, we made juice and juice popsicles with the juicer and our popsicle set, and James even made a smaller version of Clara’s diorama for himself. We didn’t have the television on and we just talked and talked. At one point, Clara came to me out of NOWHERE and said, “I love you, Mommy.” Then she held her arms out for a hug. Now THAT was something else. She just doesn’t do that stuff (unless she wants something) much anymore.

Here’s another example of how sweet my girl is. She had a friend over not too long ago, and they decided to play hide and seek. They went searching for James to ask him if he wanted to play with them. It wasn’t like he was up their butts trying to get in their game, they went looking for him. I promise you, I have zero memories of wanting to play with my little sisters. They may be my besties now, but back then…not so much.

If you know James or read this blog, you know he loves to dress up and does so all the time. He has a Superman set of superman boxer briefs and matching muscle shirt. He also has a pair of Clara’s old pantyhose that he wears under the briefs. When he wears this costume (which is completed by either an American flag pillow case cape or my mom’s old tiger print silk scarf cape), he INSISTS that you help him make his underwear “point down.” Gets me every time…you know how boxer briefs look like shorts kind of? Well, he is not happy until the legs of the shorts are tucked under and his briefs are made to look like Superman’s, you know…pointing down.

I have gotten Clara hooked on Starbucks Frappuccinos. I bought her one when she first got her braces and we’d stopped to get me coffee. All it took was one. She’s in love. Every day that I pick her up from school (which is like, you know, five days a week), she asks if we can go to Starbucks. What?? She’s eleven! What’ve I done?? I finally convinced her that one a week is plenty. I told her if she wanted to foot the bill for our coffee then I was more than happy to make daily trips. It was as no go.

James is SO easily influenced by tv. He wants everything he sees on tv, whether it’s for himself, his sister, his friends, or his parents. If there’s a mascara commercial, he runs to me and tells me he wants it, to give to me. He can recite entire commercials and television shows that he’s watched multiple times. He quotes Spongebob several times a day. I can’t count how many times he said “Holy Fishsticks!” last week. He knows all the ins and outs of Moonsand, what you can do with it, how it is moldable and how it never dries out. I have seen him waving enthusiastically during Wonder Pets and heard him talking to one of the characters, “Hi, Ming-Ming! I am your biggest fan!!” My latest favorite was when he came to me after viewing the Sketchers (shoes) Airators (sp?) athletic shoes. “Mom!” he shouted. “Look! Shoes that BREATHE! So I don’t have to!” Haha! You know, ‘cause they’re like, mesh or something…so they breathe. Get it? He thinks he could quit exerting himself with this BREATHING business and use his energy elsewhere.
Ok, I think that’s good for this entry. I’m already working on the next one, so keep your shirt on. Or don’t, whatever, take a picture and I’ll put it on my next blog entry.

Best Mom in the World

We have been having some really fun weekends lately. Busy, but fun. In fact, for me, the busier, the better. A few weekends ago, I took the kids to the movies. Well, actually, first I took one kid to a movie and then picked up the other and took them both to another movie.

Clara and I started the adventure at the 3-D Jonas Brothers concert experience. What a ride. We showed up like 45 minutes early because we just KNEW it would be packed. Ha ha, by the time the movie started, there were maybe ten other people in the theater. Oh well. We’d brought along some playing cards and we played Crazy 8s until the previews started. The show was one hour and seventeen minutes long. About one hour into it, Clara and I both looked at the time on our cell phones. I groaned inwardly, thinking to myself “how am I going to get through another 17 minutes of this insanity?” while Clara said aloud, “Look Mom, it’s already been an HOUR! It’s nearly over! How did an hour go by so fast?” Time flies when you’re having fun. Sigh. But I did make it, and then we went home and grabbed James for Coraline.

I wasn’t sure we should take him to this movie, because I’d heard it was pretty scary. But James has insisted that he wanted to see it ever since we saw the first preview. He assured me that he was brave and could “handle it.” I noticed one of his Power Rangers movies the first time, and the monsters and bad guys on it were pretty awful, so I figured (hoped) that Coraline wouldn’t be a problem.

Anyway, we went, and for the first time in his little life, he sat through an entire movie at a theater. Never got up. Never fidgeted. Never asked for more snack, or to use the restroom, or to switch seats. His eyes were glued to the screen the entire time. Even Clara and I were jumpier than he was. There was one part where there was an overweight, extremely busty burlesque dancer (don’t ask). She had on nothing but PASTIES and a bikini bottom (don’t ask!). In the middle of a lull in that scene, James announced for the entire audience, “Look! That Panty-girl is ALMOST NAKED!!” Ha ha!

Since we have such different schedules, we just never eat dinner at the table. Clara’s at Doug’s half the time, and Scott’s always teaching during our dinnertime, so we just eat in front of the TV, or sometimes we even split up. It’s never been a big deal, but it is nice to have dinner together every once in a while. The other night, I was making burgers and asked Clara if she wanted to sit at the table that evening. She was pretty excited about doing it! She set the table and got everyone a drink. When we went to sit down, I called James to the table. “Why?” he asked. “We’re going to eat dinner here tonight!” I replied. To my amusement, he whined, “welllllllllll HOW are we supposed to watch TV at the table???” He just didn’t get it. Isn’t that sad? And funny?

James’s fourth birthday is fast approaching. He will be four in just under a week. I can’t believe it! I don’t care how long I live, I will never get used to how quickly my kids grow. Never ever ever ever!! James wants anything and everything for his birthday. When someone asks what he wants, I’ll tell them to go to Target and to the toy section. Close your eyes, turn around until you’re dizzy, and then just walk until you bump into something. Open your eyes, pick up whatever you bumped into and buy it. He will love it, guaranteed.

My daughter made me a notecard to take to work. She wanted something that I could look at that would make me happy while I was there. It’s just a little notecard that she colored, and on it she wrote “Best Mom in the World, 1997 – Forever.” This has confused some people that I have told, so try to think of it this way: she didn’t write “1997-2009” so, she meant, like, I became the best mom in the world on her birth date and I will continue to be the best mom in the world for all time. Ya dig? Awesome.

Uncle Ray

This post won’t be the normal, lighthearted, silly post that I typically do. This one’s about family, about life, and death.

My Uncle Ray died last night. He’d suffered from pancreatic cancer for a while, and along with that, the effects of his illness as well as the effects of his chemo and other treatments. Of course, he’s in a better place and we’re glad for that. But it doesn’t really take away the emptiness we are feeling.

Uncle Ray always reminded me so much of my dad. They were just slightly altered versions of each other in my eyes. My dad was coat and tie Uncle Ray was blue jeans and boots. My dad was thick southern accent and Uncle Ray was thicker southern accent. But they were both funny with the same sense of humor, and sweeter than you'd imagine either of them to be. We’ve spent so many Thanksgivings together that when we didn’t, I missed Ray and his family more than I expected to. I have so many mundane, yet very specific, memories of time spent with Ray and his family. I remember Ray talking about castrating a bull at the dinner table once. I thought it was hysterical. I remember the sounds and smells of my mom and Aunt Nancy in the kitchen making Thanksgiving dinner…chopping, slicing, wrapping, baking, stirring, while my cousin Julie and I dressed in sheets and other costumes and pretended to be pilgrims with our pilgrim baby dolls. I remember Uncle Ray handing me a kitten at his house, one that his cat birthed, and I held the kitten like a baby and stroked his chin till he fell asleep. I remember his house in Garland, and their Irish Setter, Lady. Actually, it was so long ago, I might have just assumed ALL dogs were Irish Setters, since we had one. I remember their "Don't pee in our pool, we don't swim in your toilet" sign was the first I'd seen of it's kind and I thought it was brilliant!

While I am torn up about the loss of my uncle, what I cannot get over right now, is the sadness and the tears that come to my eyes when I think about my Aunt Nancy and my cousins Julie and Sherri. I am so glad they were able to be with their husband and dad when he died. And of course, I know they’re going to be okay but I wish to God they didn’t have to go through this.

The loss of Uncle Ray is one of the very few that I have experienced as an adult. His death has been painful to so many of us, and yet, it has also made me so grateful. I am so thankful that my dad had a brother he was close to and that he loved so much, and that my mother, sisters and I loved. Family is so important to me. I can’t even begin to express my gratitude about how close my sisters and I are. Knowing how my dad was able to joke around with Uncle Ray while he was not even conscious and raise his pulse made me think of my sisters. We do argue, but hardly ever. And once we’re over it, we’re over it.

So, Aunt Nancy, Julie, Sherri – I am so sorry for what you’re having to do. I am glad Ray had so many people who loved him. I wish you didn’t have to hurt. Dad, I am sorry you lost your brother. I love you so much.

I am so grateful for my family right now. Times like these make you re-think your priorities. I love you, Uncle Ray. I will miss you forever… especially on Thanksgivings.

Confidence

It's interesting to me how much more confidence I have now that I am older. I mean, now that I have lived a few years, I have wrinkles, I am in worse shape, and while I DO know more now, I sure thought I knew it all then. So...why was I so unsure of myself? Why was I afraid to speak up in certain situations? Why did I let so many idiot dudes (IDIOT DUDES) walk all over me? I don't know. But I like the confidence of being older. I guess I realized that the thing I thought mattered back then TOTALLY don't. It will not affect my life for the checker at 7-11 to see me without makeup. It won't hurt me if I forget to make a deposit and one of my debit card doesnt work at the store, in front of a lot of people. I mean - *I* know I have the money, I know it'll be okay, and none of those people are ever, ever going to think about what just happened again. As long as I have backup payment methods, I just really don't care.

This confidence allowed me to save about five bucks yesterday! I took James to get a reward for not waking us up once for the last 7 nights. To those who don't know, this is HUGE for us. We haven't slept in forever. Anyway he took about an hour looking up and down the aisles at the store, up and down, up and down. He finally settled on a Spongebob Operation game. Cool! We went to the checkout and the guy couldn't get the game to scan. "That was on sale for 13.99 if that helps," I said. He finally keyed the code in manually and the price popped up. I happened to glance up at it and saw that it had registerd for over 18 dollars! "Oh, no," I told the guy, "I don't know why it's ringing up like that, but it' IS definitely 13.99." (See, right there, I saved myself 5 bucks, where, when I was 19, I'd have said nothing because I wouldn't have wanted to call attention to myself or argue with a cashier.) Luckily, this guy didn't argue, he just entered in some code and then put in the price. SCORE!!

Today we went to the same store to look around. James LOVES to just spend tons of time wandering around looking at toys. "MOMMY. COOL. LOOK. AWESOME." And he knows all the names of all the guys. "Look, Mom, it's HoodenHeedenFeeferFloffy from Roliodeeparkenstarken." All was fun and games till we walked by the Spongebob Operation game, parked a few feet away from the Spongebob Connect Four, and I realized that I had stolen nearly five dollars the day before. It was the stupid Connect Four game that was on sale.

So.

Being the honest person that I am, I pondered what I should do about the situation. And then, I honestly forgot about it by the time we left the store.

Sorry, store.

Don't hate me.

No se.

Why do I do this?

When I see people I know but don't talk to, like ever, I feel a compulsion to exchange contact information with them. Why? I HAVE NO IDEA! But I just can't stop myself.

A couple months ago, in the gym, I sat next to a guy who I MAYBE talked to 3 times during high school. I knew him and he knew me. We got to talking and told each other about our spouses and our kids, and then of course, I was talking about how great it was to see him and then I asked him if he had a myspace of facebook account. He said he had myspace, so the next time I logged on, I looked him up, requested him to add me as a friend, and I have not so much as looked at his profile since then. I will never talk to him again. It's like a sickness I have - I don't know if I'm curious about people (aka NOSY and the answer is why ee ess) or if I am trying to be friendly or what.

It's worse when I have had a beer or two. This past weekend I was at a going-away party at a local restaurant/bar and I ran into a guy that had sort of dated a friend of mine. At the time, this guy worked at our gym and had taught us how to use the machines and kind of just told us a few things we could do. Well, I really got along with the guy, he's really nice, but it didn't work out between him and my friend, he quit the gym and so I never saw him until Friday night. Of course, I ask him the yoozh. Where do you work now, that kind of thing. He asks me if I am still working out, and instead of just saying, "yeah! I hit the gym at least four times a week these days," I go into this long story about how I do, but not as much as I want, and I dont remember what exercises to do, and who can help and he was so helpful last time and maybe he can email me some suggestions, how about that, here is my email, sure, email me about WORKING OUT since we never talk or see each other or anything. He acted as happy to get my email as I acted to give it, and I KNOW he had no intentions of helping me, and he knew I knew, and I knew he knew I knew but we still went through the whole stupid rigamarole.

And, you would not BEE LEEVE the number of girls i went to school with that I run into at Target! You never heard such a mess of lies. "Oh girl, we have GOT to get together! Our kids can play at the park! We can chitchat or take walks together!" All lies! We both know it's never going to happen and we STILL whip out our cell phones and enter each other's names and numbers. What is wrong with me?

You would think I might quit this behavior after I was, well, I think I was propositioned at a bar by a husband and wife team. The wife and I were yakking (not throwing up, but like yakkety yak) away like we were besties all our lives. She bought me a shot, told me about her husband (who was sitting by her silently) from England who she met online, we discovered that we have daughters who go to the same school, and it was the same old song and dance for me. SHe was chubby like me and of course we decided that the girls should play at the park while we walk. Numbers are exchanged, yadda yadda, then a while later she mentions to me, really off-handedly, that she and her husband are swingers. It was so strange...I just ignored it and NEVER brought it up again. I pretended everything was okay but inside I was ew'ed out. Homegirl DID actually text me the next day to make sure I still wanted to go walking! Of course I do not, because you know what going on a walk with a swinging wife means, right? Neither do I but I don't want to find out. BUT. In true Shannon fashion, of course, I replied with "sure!" OMG! I am NO WORSE THAN AN A$$HOLE GUY WHO ALWAYS SAYS "SURE, I'LL CALL YA." What is my problem??


P.S. The swinging husband from England looked like Mr. Bean. Just like Mr. Freakin' Bean. **shudder**

Shoe Therapy

I had a bad day yesterday. A really bad day. Thank goodness for my mom! I called her in hysterics at one point in the day and she was with someone at work. When she finally was able to call me back, I was getting James ready for bed…James, by the way, was an amazing little boy when I was upset. He followed me around the house as I paced and tried with all I had to keep my cool, not cry, not scream and not put my fist through the wall. The entire time, even though for the first 10 minutes or so, I was too upset to even acknowledge him properly. But he never gave up. “Mommy!” he would say, “you don’t have to be upset anymore! Look! I am being soooo funny!” and the he would act like a monkey or make funny faces or babble nonsense…Finally, after about 10 minutes, I calmed down and I felt so so so thankful that my boy was there for me, and that he never stopped trying to make me happy again.

Anyway, as I was saying, when Mom called back, I was busy with James and couldn’t really talk about it in front of him. I texted her and told her a little bit of what happened and then told her I would call when James went to bed. Mom actually called me back about 8pm and said, “are you busy? Can I come by? I have something to show you.” Curious, I told her to come on by and she showed up with a big white trash bag, filled to bursting with something, I couldn’t tell what. Mom came in and held up the bag and said, “could you use some shoe therapy?”

Her friend Susan’s daughter Stacey wears the same size as me! SIZE GIANT! And she’s a single girl who has all the money in the world to spend on shoes, so these weren’t your ordinary worn out hand me down shoes…most of these were barely worn and ALL of them are a lot more high end than I am used to buying! Anyway, Mom and I tried on all the shoes and split them up and I now have about 7 “new” gorgeous pairs of shoes. Yay! I was just shocked, I have never known anyone with feet as big as mine who has such great shoes.

Clara’s finally getting better. She was really starting to freak out about having those braces for the next two years. She was in so much pain, she’d forgotten what it was like to NOT be in pain, and she could just imagine the next 24 months hurting that bad. She finally had some bread, rice and soft tacos yesterday, so I think the worst is over. Yay! She looks sooooooooooo cute. I will have to post a picture SOON!

Listen, I want to clear something up in advance. You might start hearing rumors about my mother around town. And I have a confession – I know who started the rumor. It was James. We saw a Mustang like hers, only it was not a convertible, and James said, really loudly, “MY Mimi has a car like that! But MY Mimi knows how to take her top off.

So, just a warning. In case you hear something.

25 things you never wanted to know.

Okay, i want to hear from those of you who read this. Comment and let me know if there are 1) any you were really surprised about, 2) which ones you knew and 3) which ones you didnt know.

Just for funsies!

1. I can sing with my mouth closed. It's really, really awesome.

2. I ran into my husband at a church function...a week before I had my daughter and I was married to someone else. He felt bad for me because I was giant.

3. I never, ever, ever thought I would adore my mom and sisters as much as I do now. It gives me hope for my future with Clara!

4. I love to give nicknames and rarely call people by their actual names.

5. My husband calls me Nay, as in short for Shanaynay.

6. I can play the song I played at my 4th grade piano recital (the circus song) and not much else.

7. I didn't like dogs AT ALL until I'd had mine for about 2 years. Now...I am completely in love with her.

8. My last cat's name was Ernie Mess Buppet and my current cat's name is Moe Basghetti. I let my kids go nuts with the pet names.

9. I wore white socks with flying pigs on them to the gym today.

10. Speaking of the gym, if I forget my Ipod or my bandana, I go home. I wont even pretend that I can work out without those two things.

11. I used to dress up in my Little Orphan Annie costume and wig, stand in my front yard, and wave at the passers-by, feeling it in my heart that I was making their days...I imagined them saying, "Look! Did you see?? It was Little Orphan Annie, right there on the driveway! We are so lucky to have caught a glimpse of her!!"

12. In the summers of my childhood, since we didn't have a pool, I would fill up 30-gallon trash bags with water...and then just stand in it. For like half an hour.

13. I love alcohol. I can't help it. I love all wine, all beer, all everything. I know, I know. But I come by it naturally. Have you met my parents? ;)

14. I'm terrified of wrinkles and fine lines.

15. I love makeup. I can't imagine how many hundreds and hundreds of dollars I have worth of makeup in my bathroom cabinet.

16. I love family names. My daughter is named after my grandmother, and my son is named after my brother and my husband.

17. One summer when my cousin stayed with us for a couple weeks, we would wake up at the crack of dawn, get tons of books, crawl down into the water tunnels under the streets, and read for hours. Why??????? I have no idea.

18. I am super, duper, superduper impatient.

19. I had a pretend friend named Cindy, a pretend brother named Bubba, and a pretend termite named Julana when I was a little girl.

20. I've been out of the country only once, and that was on my honeymoon.

21. I love to read, but not classy, hoity toity stuff. I like murder, mystery, suspense...that kind of thing.

22. I'm extremely proud of my husband and his skillz.

23. I sweat like a pig. At the drop of a hat.

24. I used to run all the time...and I really want to again so bad, I can't take it. I'm getting there.

25. I have a full length hot pink fur coat and I LOVE IT.

Every rose has it's thorn.

Welp. Clara's at the orthodontist's office getting braces right now! I will post a picture of her asap. She's so super duper excited. I am excited for her. She hasn't slept the past two nights.

I'd like to note that I have two more confirmed blog readers! Kristen and Grandma D both emailed me about my last post, and if you know Grandma D, you know how hilarious it was to find an email from her with the subject line "dammit" in response to the blog :) I LOL'd.


As Kristen, Grandma, Jennifer and Stacie know, James loves to dress up. He found an old pair of tights that Clara wore when she was his age, and he has taken them as his own tights. But now, they are SUPERMAN tights. Nevermind that they are off white and not blue. He has a set of Superman boxer briefs and undershirt, wife-beater style. He loves to put on the tights and the Superman set, and then any cape that is available. On Sunday alone, he had pillowcase cape, a tiger print silk scarf cape and a pink and purple polka dot silk scarf cape throughout the day.
He did feel troubled, though, when I showed him a picture of Superman on the internet. His costume has briefs instead of boxer briefs over his tights. In James terms though, this is known as "underwear pointing down." So we had to roll up his boxer briefs up inside themselves and the result was some french cut 80's bikini bottom look, but hey, James was happy, so whatevs.


My son is SUCH a momma's boy. If he needs anything, and I mean anything at all, from needing his bottom wiped to a cup of juice, if daddy offers to assist him, he lets him know, "I want Mommy to do it. I love her more." Haaaaaaaaaa! Also, don't you talk bad about his momma. He WILL come after you. Steph and I were sitting on the back porch with him yesterday and he started to go inside. He almost had the door closed behind him and Steph said something about me being mean. He whirled around, whipped that door back open and stormed over to her and LET. HER. HAVE. IT! Thanks Jamesy!


When I left for work late last week, as I was pulling out of the driveway, my cell phone rang. It was Scott. James was really upset because he had wanted to tell me something before I left, so I pulled back in the drive and waited for him to come out. "Mom," he began, "I just wanted to tell you that you need to CALL ME if you get into any danger." To the rescue!!!


So, every single time I go to the gym I wear a bandana around my forehead to keep out the sweat. And I almost always go with my makeup on and end up washing my face before I get in the sauna. Why don't I just wash my face before I go? I honestly don't know. It's like, I am in a hurry to get to the gym and I don't want to mess with it, but I appreciate the break between my workout and the sauna to wash my face. Whatever. Anyway. As I left the house wearing all black workout gear, a bandana and heavy black eyeliner, I stopped in my tracks, backed up, went inside the front door and saw Scott standing in the dining room. "Oh my gosh, I look just like Brett Michaels, don't I?" Scott peered at me and said, "well, actually, you kinda do."
LOL! See?

One of THOSE women.

Man, I hate when I do this. I hate when I wait so long between posts that I don't know where to start. I guess I'll just start blabbing about the notes I've taken and see where that leads me!

An interesting tidbit: as I may or may not have mentioned before, Jennifer and Stacie are my only readers, that I know of. They might be my only ones, period! Or...exclamation mark!!! Or...whatever. Anyway, every time I go a few days without blogging, I usually hear from one or both of them to remind me to get on the ball. Well, it's been a few weeks and I hadn't heard from either of them. Then, today - they BOTH emailed me about it. See? It *is* an interesting tidbit.

You may be suprised to learn that I have become one of THOSE women. You know - the kind who doesn't expect her husband to help with 50% of all the housework. I never thought I'd be okay with doing 98% of it. Now, it helps tremendously that Scott has so graciously agreed to pay the housekeeper every two weeks, but even before that, I'd almost completely let him off the hook. He's only expected (okay maybe not "expected"...more like "begged") to keep the dishwasher and trash can in the kitchen emptied. Other than that, I do it. I don't LOVE to do it, but I have learned that if my children and I are going to have clean clothes, then I need to clean them. If I want a path from the living room to the bedroom, I am going to have to clear it. You get the idea. So....imagine my surprise when I came home from work today and Scott had done ALL THE LAUNDRY! And, we're talking, we had four full baskets. I sort my laundry as I go, so I have four baskets in my closet. Makes it easier when it comes time. I can just dump a basket in the washer and not worry about sorting. Anyway, he washed/dried/hung/folded all that laundry! There is a load of towels that I moved from the washer to the dryer, but that's it! Wasn't that terribly sweet of him? That is why I have some time to sit now and write my blog :)

I think now is a good time to play "WHAT DID JAMES SAY THIS TIME??" We have two funnies, an inappropriate, and then one that is a cross of the two.

Funnies: Andrew and Caleb gave away Thomas the Train goody bags at their joint birthday party a couple weekends ago. Inside the goody bag was a maze for each kid to solve. James named his maze Melanie. I am not sure what happened to Melanie. The last time I remember seeing her, we were in the car and she was sitting next to James. I took a sharp turn and Melanie drifted to the floorboard. Next thing I know, James is wailing, "MELLLLLLLLLLLANIE!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" It would have completely broken my heart to hear him so sad that his friend had fallen off the seat, IF I DIDN'T KNOW HIS FRIEND WAS A FREAKIN' MAZE. NAMED MELANIE!

Second funny: one of James's favorite things to do is go look at the toy section in Target. He knows we are not going to buy things (he also knows I nearly always give in and at least get some tiny thing)...but he just loves to look forever! Last time we went, we were there for over an hour. Just up and down the toy aisles. We turned the corner down the Thomas the Train aisle, and James startled a couple of other shoppers and me with his exclamation, "GREAT BALLS OF TRAINS!"

Inappropriate: last night James sat in my lap and rested his head on my...bosom. He then picked his head up, cocked it, pointed at the right side of my....bosom, and said "what is that again? I forgot." I answered matter-of-factly, "it is a breast." He looked at me thought fully and said, "can I see it, on your body?" "No, it's a private part," I told him. He started to whine...and I asked what was wrong. "I don't have any private parts!" LOL. Then we discussed what constitutes a private part. I think he's got it now.

Funny/Inappropriate: Stacie, Andrew and James were playing with Andrew's new go-cart. James explained to Stacie that he would be a Speed Racer, Andrew would be a Speed Racer, and she could be the chick from Speed Racer. Hahaha! That one really gets me.

We have some news in the Clara department! She is getting braces on Tuesday. Yay! We had quite a time finding just the right orthodontist for us, but I think we're going to be really happy with our choice. The first one we went to seemed to be kind of an old-school guy. I actually had a few problems with this one. First of all, we were at his office for TWO HOURS. It being our first appointment, I thought maybe this is just the way it is for consultations. Well, not so, I later learned. Anyway, that was strike one. Strike two was the biggie: while Clara was back having x-rays and whatnot, she was asked if she was ready for braces. When she answered "yes," they went ahead and put spacers between her teeth. Without asking me! When they finally called me back to discuss procedure and cost, THEN I was informed that they had put in the spacers so we could go ahead and get started in two more days. I was thinking, "ummmm. She's 11. She might be ready, but she ain't payin'. And is that even okay to do to someone's kid without asking?" I was pretty put off about it. Strike three was the way the doctor made me feel like...well...this is what he said. "If you're ready, we'll go ahead and set the appointment for Wednesday." I said (which was the honest to God truth), "i need to talk to her dad before I make any decisions." To which he said, "well I'm not trying to push you but I don't want to waste your time either." Which was ironic because he'd just taken two hours of my time, and it was pretty apparent he wasnt REALLY talking about MY time. So...I was not sure how that would compare to the other places we had lined up, but I was pretty sure that was not the place for us. That was confirmed when I realized they were the most expensive and furthest in distance from us.

Place two was AWESOME. They were super-friendly (they were friendly at place one, dont get me wrong) and the office itself was just too cool. It was all decked out in a sports theme (perfect for my daughter!) and they had video games for the kids to play. I have nothing bad to say about this place, and the price for this one was actually the lowest. It was a terribly tough decision to not go with this office, if you want to know the truth. And, we were in and out in 20 minutes (literally!) with as much info as the other place. The only thing we didn't get here that we did at the other place were those damn spacers.

Place three was almost as cool as place two. It was definitely kid-friendly, but it didn't appeal to Clara the way place two did. And it was between place one and place three price-wise. We ended up going with this office because of a system they use that I did a little research on, and if everything I found is true, Clara will be out of her braces a little earlier, she wont have to go in as often, and her appointments will be shorter each time. Like I said, it was tough to choose between the last two offices, and I'm still just crossing my fingers that I've made the right choice!The new orthodontist also had some cool software and equipment that the other places didn't. One thing they did was take 3-D x-rays of her head so they could look at her teeth and the roots from any angle at all. It TOTALLY creeped me out because it was...well, it was her skull! I could see her little eye sockets (shudder). The ortho blacked out the eye sockets after I joked around about it, but I was secretly very relieved! They'd also taken really up-close pictures of her smile so we could put them on the GIANT computer screen and see her teeth. LOL. She had a piece of pepper or something in her front tooth and it was so big on the screen. I told her I wanted a copy so I could frame it and hang it in her room. The doc's assistant told Clara she was so lucky to have such a funny mom and I could hear Clara's eyes rolling - I didn't even have to look.

I can't believe how much Clara is changing. She is thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis close to being as tall as me. She still has me do her hair in the mornings and my arms get achy from having to reach up to do her ponytails! She is just getting more and more beautiful. She's always been gorge, but as she's maturing, her beauty is just almost too much to take. She's also getting into jogging! How exciting! When I picked her up from school for her ortho appointment, I saw all the P.E. kids running laps around the school. I was pretty sure Clara had P.E. at that hour, but I couldn't see her. I assumed she'd just not participated since she knew I was coming to get her. When she showed up in the office, she was red and sweaty. I asked her why...and do you know what she said? It was because she was SO FAR AHEAD of everyone else that I couldn't see her. She was the first girl to finish and had only been beaten by four boys! You go girl! Then she came home and ran on the treadmill, nearly 2 miles in 15 minutes! Awesome!!! Also, she calls the treadmill the "treadmeal." LOLz.

Uh oh. I thought of (surprise surprise!) another inappropriate Jamesy quote. Lane came over to play last week and he and James both came up to me, each with a colander on his head, and each with a toy containing expired batteries. They looked up at me through the holes in their colanders (they were being aliens) and asked me to help with new batteries. I put fresh ones in the toy James had and it didn't help. "Well," I said, "I guess this toy is just broken. The batteries didn't fix it. Dang." Then James added, "dammit." And Lane chimed in with, "dammit is a bad word." Ay ay ay! I immediately called Lane's mom to warn her that she might hear about this conversation, and to apologize that my son cussed in the presence of hers, and HER sweet son knew it was a bad word. "Oh please!" she said. "How do you think he knew it was a bad word??"

My sweet husband turned 32 yesteray, and I am only 10 days away from my own 32nd birthday. Last year I surprised Scott with a stay at the Gaylord in Grapevine and we adored it, so we're doing it again this year! A couple of differences: first, it's not a surprise, and second, my parents are going to go! I cannot believe I have grown into someone who LIKES her parents. I mean, it's my birthday - and I'm super excited to hang out with my best friend (Scott) and my other besties, my parents! How fun. Stacie's keeping James and Clara will be with her dad. We're going to just hang at the hotel, go to the club on the hotel grounds and watch a band, maybe have a drink or two (but maybe not HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA), and just chill. Yay, I can't wait!

Shuffle, step.

As you know, my son is hilarious. Sometimes the things he comes up with just blow me away. One of these things is the “penis detector.” He is convinced that every male in America needs one of these. Boys and men need penis detectors for when their penises get sad. When James’s penis gets sad, it itches. So I am not sure how to help him, as I have not been able to find a penis detector and I am scared to death to google it. He SWEARS you can get one at the Penis Detector Store but again, haven’t run across one yet. Anyone have any ideas? Jennifer? Stacie?

He picks up on things that make me laugh. The other day he let me know that the reason he likes crackers are because of their “crackery goodness.” I mean – simple enough, right? Also, he has started to use quote fingers. He uses them TOTALLY wrong, but come on, how funny is that? He said to me, “uh, Mom? I’m getting *quote fingers* hungry for my *quote fingers* yucky old crackers.” LOL. Which brings up yucky old crackers. This is what he calls saltines. I am sure that at some point when he was tiny, he asked for a saltine and someone said to him, “oh, you don’t want any of those yucky old crackers.” But he did – and to this day, that is what he (and now everyone in the family!) calls them. His Grandma D has been known to wrap economy size boxes of yucky old crackers in festive wrapping paper and give them as gifts to James. He LOVES them!

Sometimes he reminds me so much of a little old man, the way he talks. A few days ago, he grabbed my hand and kissed the back of it. Then he said “look, I’m blushing.” Another instance – he and Clara were chasing each other down the hall and she turned quickly to him and he said “Clara! You gave me QUITE a scare.”

We had to buy Beck the dog a new collar. We needed a training collar (not the spiky kind, just the regular kind) and James and I went hunting for it. We stood looking at all the different collars and James said “I think what he need is a shock collar.” Only HE said “shot caller.” You know, like a balla, shot calla, 20 inch blades on the impala…”

So I am sure that nobody cares, but I am, as of last night, officially down 19 pounds! Yessssssss! And 9 inches. So so so glad! I have been at the gym almost every single day since I went to work part time, except for the few days that I didn’t even attempt, when we were all so sick. But it’s really really helping and I know that is making such a difference for me. Because, no matter what, I will never be perfect on any kind of diet. I just won’t. My caloric intake is still way down, but I do not follow my diet exactly, and I have some beer and wine here and there, that kind of thing, and the exercise is really making up for it. I’m so glad to be back into it. I really love it!

But you know what? I am such a sweater. Not as in the kind that keeps you warm, but as in, I drip nastiness when I get the least bit hot. So you can imagine what I look like after exercise AND the sauna/steamroom. It’s like I went swimming in my clothes. Anyway, I *think* I am getting sweat in my Ipod and they keep getting ruined! I had to buy my THIRD one yesterday! I refuse to even try to work out without my music, I just can’t do it. So…yeah. The third Ipod. Oh well. Small price to pay, I s’pose. And I don’t get the big fancy one – just the little shuffle.

So…okay bye!

Oh my GOSH what is this bug that we all have?

I have never had anything like this in my life. I told you earlier that James and Clara did not feel well - I think that was Tuesday. Well today (Sunday) is the first day that James has not been sick. I got sick on Friday and Scott joined us last night. Last night was just awful for the two of us. There are some pretty funny details but they are just WAY TOO DISGUSTING to post. Sorry and you're welcome at the same time!

Well, Miss Belle was the last of our brood of four to hold out. I was really crossing my fingers for her to stay well, especially because of how proud she is of her perfect attendance record at school so far this year. But it just wasn't meant to be. She got out of the bathtub a few minutes ago and announced that she felt baaaaaaaaaad. So I told her to get on her jammies and we would figure out a good place for her to lie down where she'd be comfy. I brought her a bucket and told her that it might be wise, if she has time and the wherewithal, to sit on the toilet while she pukes in the bucket if the need arose. She immediately said "CAN I HAVE THE BUCKET??" and snatched it out of my hands while simultaneously running to the bathroom AND losing the towel in which she was wrapped, which was the only thing between her naked self and the cruel eyes of.... (dun dun dun) BOYS (James and Scott).

She didn't know whether to go back for the towel or keep running to the bathroom, and I said, "GO GO GO!" and sprinted in front of her yelling "STAY BACK!" to the boys of the house, then grabbed James out of the bathroom where he was brushing his teeth and all but threw him down the hallway, around the bend so he'd be completely out of Clara's way and she'd be completely out of his sight. Then I screamed at Scott to leave the vicinity and stay away! When Clara was safely in the bathroom behind the closed door, James came back and huffed, "NO fair! I was there first!" Ha ha! As if it's a normal thing for me to do.

So it was a really chaotic five or ten seconds - a stampede with a crazy leader who hurls little boys and screams at grown men, followed by a naked preteen carrying a bucket and trying not to puke - but no boys saw her naked boody. So I'd like to call it a success!

Scott has taken to wearing his long underwear pants lately. Sometimes he doesn't wear anything else. No shirt, just the thermal pants. It's a pretty funny picture if you can imagine. I call them his ballet tights.

This evening James saw Scott in his thermals and said "Daddy, WHY are you wearing...ballet tights?" Then he laughed for a long time, really pleased with himself. This prompted Scott to get on his tippy-toes, put his arms in a circle above his head, and twirl around. That made ME laugh for a long time. What dorks we are.

Yawn. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

I started part time at work. LOVING IT. My plan is to leave work at noon and then work out until 2ish, which is what I have done every day so far this week, all two days.

James got stung by a bee. His first bee. Poor baby. We were at the park and I was helping cross the monkey bars. I kind of had my hand up in his crotch holding him up and he shrieked. I thought I had squished his little babyjewels, so I set him down and adjusted his pants. He was still telling me that it hurt, so I turned him around and found what I thought was a thorn in his shirt. I assumed he had been pricked so I shook his shirt and out fell a dead bee. I guess that is what I had actually squished. Served that little rogue right. Sting MY baby.

Last night, Clara came to me and said, “I kind of feel like I’m going to throw up.” So I had her lie down and take it easy. Then, James comes in and says, “Mommy mommy mommy mommy I have to poop!!” It seemed like an emergency so I ran to the bathroom with him and he barfed all over the floor. He said, “oh. I just thought I had to poop.” LOL. Anyway he upchucked twice more after that and Clara never did actually get sick. I’ll have to keep my eye on her I guess.

Have you all seen Benjamin Button? No? Go see it. Seven Pounds? Save your money.