What have I done?

Through her elementary school years, Clara would periodically ask me to come have lunch with her. Sit with her and her friends, bring her McDonald's, and just enjoy lunch with her. I did it a few times…I think I even did it once last year. Maybe. Once.

I do know that she asked me a few times toward the end of the year, and the weeks flew by, and I never made it. Every now and again, she'd say…"so when are you going to get to come have lunch with me?" And I'd say, "oh…probably next week, I think I can take off work then." And I just never did it.

Yesterday I picked her up from school and realized - she's too big. She doesn't want that anymore. I just knew. But to make sure, I asked her. Of course, her answer to my question was a very shy, reluctant "no." She hates to hurt people's feelings, it's hard for her to be honest with me sometimes if she thinks it will make me sad. Which it did, but I knew it was coming.
What have I done? Where did my baby girl go? Seriously…I don't have a baby girl anymore. She is cool, she is grown up, she is independent. She is her own person and no longer really an extension of me. I know she'll always be my daughter, but she no longer really NEEDS me. Sure, she needs my money. But there is nothing she can't really do by herself.

I feel awful. I mean - really, really awful. I feel like something is gone, and I guess that's because something IS gone. I am so glad that I've learned from Clara, but I'm devastated that I had to. I rushed her to grow up. I couldn't wait for her to walk, to talk, to run, to learn..and now, she's just slipping away. I learned from raising her not to rush James. To be more patient. To know that even though I haven't really slept through the night in 2 years with him in the house, one day, I will, and this will be GONE. His little baby three-year-old self will be gone, just like my little baby Clara is gone. And my young lady is here now. I ADORE this young lady, but I just am having a hard time forgiving myself for letting the time fly by.

Am I nuts? Am I the only person who feels so guilty about her children growing up? Does every mother second guess everything she did, and wish she'd done things differently? Better? I know I sound whackadoo but sometimes it hurts me so much I feel like I can't take it.
As hard as I try to convey my feeling in writing, I just can't on this. I always always always ramble…but this time especially, I feel like a blabbering idiot. I can't write down how I feel from start to finish because it's not a start to finish kind of thing. See what I'm saying? Blabbering. I'll quit now. I just miss my girl :(

What have I done? Why didn't I have lunch with her more? WHY?