INSANITY!

Every year, the bank in the building where I work has a Christmas party. They have great food and free drinks, but the best part is the Santa! I’ve been coming to this party since I was 12 to get my picture with Santa, and now my kids do it almost every year.

Last year, James’s picture was the hilarious kind, where the kid is petrified…in his picture, James is screaming and reaching for me – it cracks me up every time I look at it. This year I knew would be different. He’s more excited about Santa and totally into the idea. As we were getting ready for the party, I informed him that we should probably dress up for our Santa pictures. Well, no problem for James. He disappeared into his room for a few minutes and came out – head to toe Ninja Turtle! Complete with mask and shell. I convinced him to leave the mask because otherwise we couldn’t see his face in the photo, but he wore everything else in his picture. I love it!

Clara always gets her picture taken with Santa, and I guess the photographer thought she was older than eleven years, because when I told her Clara wanted to sit with Santa, the woman LAUGHED AT HER. Clara and I just stared at her…and I went up to her and said, “is there a problem with her taking a picture with Santa?” and she said “no, not at all, I just thought it was funny – I used to do that.”

Um, do WHAT? I don’t get it. Does she think my baby’s too old for that? Well guess what…now, so does Clara! She was totally going to take her picture with Santa but that, ahem, WITCH, convinced her that she is too old and embarrassed her. Thankfully, she agreed to get in a picture with James and Andrew – but man. Well, whatever.

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James has a very, very long list of what he wants to be when he grows up, and he is sure that he will be all of these things. This list includes, but is not limited to, the following: doctor, fireman, race car driver, pizza man, Sonic Drive-in cook, and so on and so forth. In the car this past weekend, he wanted to make it clear that he wanted to be a PEOPLE doctor, not an ANIMAL doctor. I asked him, “do you know what an animal doctor is called?” To my amusement, he said, “Yeah, sure! A vegetarian!”

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Last night I went to the hall bathroom to blow my nose. Surprise! No tissue in there. So I trekked to my bathroom and was stopped by my husband who was guarding the bathroom door with his life! “NO!” he shouted. “YOU CAN’T COME IN HERE! NOBODY CAN COME IN HERE!”

Ummmm okay. “Scott, I gotta blow my nose. There’s no tissue in the other bathroom. Can you at least hand me a roll of toilet paper?”

*catches TP Scott throws in my direction* “Thanks, weirdo. Have fun in the bathroom.” *shakes head*

About 10 minutes later I was in the living room, watching “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant” and eating my Jenny Craig cheesecake, when Scott came in, and took my plate and fork out of my hand. “What are you DOING? This is precious cheesecake! You can’t have it! This is MY cheesecake! Where is yours? Eat yours, eat yours!”

Scott just looked at me like I was three years old and he said, “I’m not going to eat y’damn cheesecake, I just want to carry it for you.”

Against my better judgment, I let go of my prized dessert and allowed him to hold it. He took my hand and led me all the way back to my bathroom, where he had run a bath (perfect temp, by the way), lit at LEAST 2 dozen candles all around the tub, and set up my little bathtub reading table with my book and a new reading light.

What? Why? I don’t….well…is it….I mean…what are you…how come…should I…why did you do this???

He explained he just wanted to be nice and reminded me of a list that my dad gave him when we first got engaged. It was a list of things that would make me happy. One of the things Dad put on the list was “make sure she gets some alone time.” And, that’s what he was doing.

Can you believe it? How can the person who drives me to the brink of insanity like nobody else…be the very same exact person who I love past the brink of insanity? Sigh.